Based on my post-secondary studies in education, teaching experience, and life as an everyday mama of two.
Imagine this, your partner comes home with a new guy/gal and says “hey hun, this is so and so and they’re going to live with us now, but don’t worry, I still love you and have plenty of it to go around.”
How would you react? You’d flip your lid, right? You’d likely act out, feel jealous, worried, and insecure.
That’s how toddlers feel when a new baby comes home. But they don’t have the ability to express this, so they misbehave.
Suddenly your lovely little tot may act like a demon spawn who has been sent to destroy you. They may surprise you with new behaviours you weren’t aware they were capable of, or they may ramp up the mischief you’ve seen them express previously. They may hit, push, and tantrum harder than you ever thought possible.
All of this is totally normal, and when you think about it from their point of view, totally understandable.
My 2.3 son Lucas cautiously sitting beside his new 2-week-old baby brother. Hilarious? Yes. Progress? Also yes.
Our 2.3-year-old Lucas is officially experiencing all the new sibling feels since we brought home his baby brother two weeks ago. We have had a few really challenging days where my husband and I would look at each other like we had made the biggest mistake of our lives.
It can be rough. Really rough. Especially when you’re already sleep-deprived and tending to a super needy newborn.
As much as I’m sure you’re hoping this behaviour will stop as quickly as it started, the reality is that this phase can last anywhere from a few days to a few months. But it is just a phase, and like any it shall pass.
But what can you do (other than drink copious amounts of wine) and how should you react to toddler behaviour to help your child adapt to big sibling life as productively (and quickly) as possible?
Here are 7 of my tips for helping your toddler adjust to sibling life while combating toddler misbehaviour.
You’ll also find advice shared by fellow mamas and experts gathered via my Instagram profile featured throughout this post!
“Tell the new baby to wait sometimes. ‘One minute (baby), I am helping (toddler).’ My OB suggested this, as it helps the toddler feel like they are still a priority and not always waiting on the demanding newborn since we tend to say ‘hold on’ to the toddler a lot.”
— Phoenix of @phoenix.alexandra
Little baby Jacob, arrived on April 19th, 2021. At two weeks old, we tell him that sometimes he has to hang tight in his diaper while we tend to his older brother. But at least big bro shared one of his beloved pillows for the wait!
1) One-on-One Big Sibling Time
It’s really important that big siblings get some time to themselves so that they have moments of the day where it doesn’t feel like their world has been turned completely upside down by the arrival of the new baby. One-on-one time with their parents offers undivided attention so they don’t feel the need to compete for it.
One-on-one time with their parents offers undivided attention so they don’t feel the need to compete for it.
If possible, it is especially important to offer one-on-one time with mom, who often gets put on baby duty. This can be difficult if you’re a breastfeeding mama, as feedings are frequent, but try to find even 10 minutes where you are solo with the big sibling. Doing so will prevent making your child feel like they’ve lost access to a parent with who they previously got to spend more time, adding fuel to the jealousy fire. It’s worth making it work.
40 weeks pregnant and ready to pop at any moment, I made sure to keep up our walks/trips to the park just the two of us. Post-baby, this is something we’re still doing to offer Lucas the one-on-one time he needs with mama.
“One-on-one time for sure helped Bentley with the change. I let him plan the whole day just me and him and I’ve never seen so much sparkle in his eye! I also left them in a room alone (I was just in the living room with the door open) baby was in his crib and asked Bentley to just watch him and he ended up reading stories and telling him how he was going to be the best big brother to Lucas.”
— Lauralei of @lauraleigordon
2) Ignore Negative Behaviour
If they weren’t previously pushing, hitting, or screaming at the top of their lungs over nothing at all, chalk this behaviour up to the fact that they’re coping with the arrival of their new sibling.
This one is tricky as you’ll straddle the line between maintaining discipline and giving misbehaviour way too much attention. Air on the side of leniency by reminding yourself that this is a temporary and transitional time for your child. If they weren’t previously pushing, hitting, or screaming at the top of their lungs over nothing at all, chalk this behaviour up to the fact that they’re coping with the arrival of their new sibling.
Of course, you can’t ignore behaviour that harms anyone. If they’re hitting themselves, their new sibling, or you, you have to stop this and remind them that you can’t allow that due to safety. But if the action is simply attention-seeking (such as doing all the things they know they’re not supposed to just to get your attention), ignore it. Toddlers don’t understand complex feelings and can’t express them, so they’ll do what’s necessary to get you to pay attention to them as a coping mechanism and to bring the spotlight back their way.
If the action is simply attention-seeking (such as doing all the things they know they’re not supposed to just to get your attention), ignore it. Toddlers don’t understand complex feelings and can’t express them, so they’ll do what’s necessary to get you to pay attention to them as a coping mechanism and to bring the spotlight back their way.
One sure way to reset and stay calm? Get the heck outside. For some reason, my kiddo is always better behaved outside of the house!
Wearing his favourite trucker hat, gifted by Posted.
For example, if my husband and I are looking at the baby monitor or discussing something to do with the baby during a meal, my son will begin to scream and squeal, knowing that behaviour isn’t acceptable as a way of inviting my husband or me to scold him. He’s just looking for attention, but screaming and squealing isn’t the way to get it, my dear!
Toddlers are clever, they’ll find ways to bring the attention back their way, and if you reward this with constant punishment, not only are you going to be exhausted, you’re indirectly teaching them that misbehaviour is rewarded with attention.
Explain to your child what actions are acceptable instead and praise your kiddo when they engage in this positive behaviour. I’ve told my son what he can do at the table instead: tell stories, explain what he’s doing/thinking, or share highlights of his day.
Explain to your child what actions are acceptable instead and praise your kiddo when they engage in this positive behaviour.
3) Stay Calm
Yes, even when you’re about to lose your freaking mind...
This one can be trying, as there will be many moments when you feel like pulling your hair out. If you’re going to, go do it in another room away from your toddler!
When they do misbehave, keep your cool. Toddlers feed off of your energy, so if they’re angry and you’re angry, it’s not going to help matters. It will only bring the pot to a boil, and you’ll probably feel guilty about raising your voice and yelling later.
The best thing you can do, whether they’re actually angry or simply seeking attention, is to stay calm. Do not let the tiny human get to you. When they do misbehave, keep your cool. Toddlers feed off of your energy, so if they’re angry and you’re angry, it’s not going to help matters.
The best thing you can do, whether they’re actually angry or simply seeking attention, is to stay calm. Do not let the tiny human get to you. Take a deep breath and tell them “no, I can’t let you hit yourself, that’s not safe” as coolly and lovingly as you can muster.
“There’s always lots of new gifts for baby so I had a stash of little wrapped presents for him.”
— Steph, maker behind @bkco (Lucas is wearing one of their hats in the above images!)
If they’re just straight up not listening to your instructions, one of the most effective ways to combat this with toddlers is to take away their independence. Toddlers want to do everything themselves and would sooner listen than let you do it for them!
And if they’re just straight up not listening to your instructions, one of the most effective ways to combat this with toddlers is to take away their independence. Toddlers want to do everything themselves and would sooner listen than let you do it for them! Don’t threaten discipline and invite a meltdown when all you want to do is get them to put their shoes on and get out the darn door. Instead, tell them you’re going to do it for them by saying something like “well, if you can’t put your own shoes on I guess I’ll have to help you put them on.” My son usually reacts by proclaiming his ability and gets his shoes on before I can get my hands on them.
4) Involvement
Chances are you’re going to have your hands full with a new baby at home, so find ways to put that extra set of hands you created to use!
I showed my son where the bibs and baby blankets are kept (in baskets at his level) and ask him to fetch them for me during feedings. He also loves to throw out his brother’s dirty diapers. Toddlers like to help out and do things on their own, and helping with baby chores makes them feel like they’re a necessary part of the family unit, not someone who has been replaced by a new baby.
“Try giving the toddler tasks so they feel important and are included in the helping.”
— Abigail of @abbyvv
I purchased a basket stand and placed bibs in the lower compartment and rolled baby blankets above. This way, Lucas can help out by handing us things we need to tend to his brother.
Toddlers like to help out and do things on their own, and helping with baby chores makes them feel like they’re a necessary part of the family unit, not someone who has been replaced by a new baby.
You can also encourage your child to show off their advanced skills to their tiny baby sibling. My son loves to show his baby brother how high he can jump, his favourite trucks, or tell him about the sights he saw when he comes back from a walk. Explain to your child that babies can’t do many of those things yet and that they have a lot to learn. Your child will be very enthusiastic about teaching them, and older kids may opt to read the baby a story or keep an eye on the baby for you (within reason of course). This will also help them to bond and will boost your child’s self-esteem at a time when they really need it.
You can also encourage your child to show off their advanced skills to their tiny baby sibling. Explain to your child that babies can’t do many of the things they can do and that they have a lot to learn. This will also help them to bond and will boost your child’s self-esteem at a time when they really need it.
Invite your child to help you with baby care. Show them the baby monitor and which button to push to see the baby. Ask them “do you think the baby is sleeping? Does he looks asleep?” or “why do you think your brother is crying? Do you think he may be hungry?” This encourages empathy while making your child feel involved and helpful with taking care of their new sibling.
“Include them in baby care if possible, feeding, getting ready, and play.”
— Taylor of @valliertaylor
Invite your child to help you with baby care. Ask them “why do you think your brother is crying? Do you think he may be hungry?” This encourages empathy while making your child feel involved and helpful with taking care of their new sibling.
Ask your toddler to help out with baby care, they’ll feel needed and involved. Here I asked Lucas to grab a cloth to wash his baby brother with during bath time. I explained to him that babies are messy, and mama needs help tidying up (which he already loves to do).
“Have them help with everything: feeding baby, changing diapers, swaddling. We had Hudson be the “peacekeeper” when baby was sleeping. He was in charge of making sure the dogs were quiet and would tell them “shhh” if they were barking while baby was sleeping! Also, lots of extra attention for the big sibling! And constantly checking on their feelings and keeping the conversation open. We did mommy and big bro dates and left early, go out of the house, and had fun before dad left for work, and again when baby went down for bedtime and dad got home. My son even helped with my pumping journey, he helped freeze extra milk and wash bottles!”
— Liz of @mrslislombard
“Can you get mama the baby soap Lucas? We need to help make Jacob feel clean!” – he happily obliged.
5) You Were A Baby Once Too…
Toddlers have no frame of reference for babies. They don’t understand what a baby is, and they certainly don’t remember ever being one. They just see this squirmy loud potato you brought home that they suddenly have to share their attention with. Teach them about babies just as you would anything else. One way to do so is to show them photos and videos of themselves as a baby. It’s always fun to see how surprised they may be to see themselves that way!
Toddlers have no frame of reference for babies. They don’t understand what a baby is, and they certainly don’t remember ever being one. They just see this squirmy loud potato you brought home that they suddenly have to share their attention with. Teach them about babies just as you would anything else. One way to do so is to show them photos and videos of themselves as a baby. It’s always fun to see how surprised they may be to see themselves that way!
I’ve shown my son photos and videos of himself as a baby and said things like “that’s baby you! You were little here and couldn’t walk by yourself yet, so I’m helping you walk in this picture.” I’ve also put his baby brother in his hand-me-down clothes and said “look! You’re wearing the same sweater in this picture, you used to be that little too!”
This invites conversation around babies with your toddler, where you’ll be able to explain that babies can’t walk, sit, or talk yet, and that’s why they can’t ask for things with their words, and that’s why they cry. You can say things like “could you walk when you were a baby?” and by showing them memories, they will come to understand that once upon a time, they couldn’t do those things either.
These photos just kill me! I mean, the look on baby Jacob’s face is priceless. But his big brother was so excited to introduce him to his pals Cookie Monster and Elmo, and even showed off his best impressions. Encourage your toddler to engage with the baby, and teach them all the things they know!
You can also read books about babies and point out other babies and siblings when you see them in public. These experiences will provide them with some frame of reference to understand what it means to be a brother/sister.
You can also read books about babies and point out other babies and siblings when you see them in public. For example, on a walk the other day I pointed out two brothers who were playing with trucks in their driveway and explained to my son that one day when his baby brother gets bigger, they’ll be able to do that too. My son has recalled this moment since and has even begun referring to the baby as his own brother. The experience provided him with some frame of reference to understand what it means to be a brother.
“Let them talk about their sibling. Everyone is always asking them about the new baby, from family members to teachers to new people, give them space to share thoughts on this new tiny human. And also, just flat out hang in there, adjustments are always tough but never last long in toddler time!”
— Caylee of @caylee.ortiz
6) Empathy
This goes hand in hand with ignoring misbehaviour. When they’re driving you up the wall with negative behaviour, remind yourself to be empathetic to their feelings. They’re kids, and they’re only doing this because they’re adapting to a big change and are having an understandably hard time.
Misbehaviour is just how your child expresses their complex feelings and confusion about how things have changed since the arrival of their sibling. Be empathetic towards them instead of giving in to the impulse of anger (which I know, is often easier said than done).
Even during feeding, if my toddler wants to be around and show his brother a book, I’m all for it and I praise him for this positive behaviour.
For example, my toddler was woken from his afternoon nap the other day by his crying brother and began to cry himself. When I tried to soothe him, he wasn’t having it. He felt angry, tired, and frustrated to have been woken by his brother’s crying. I had to let him ride it out.
Once he calmed down however, I talked to him about how having a baby in the house is a hard adjustment for us all. I praised him for how well he was doing in helping us to take care of the baby, and addressed that it must feel difficult to suddenly be a big brother. I said things like “I know it’s hard to have the baby here, it’s hard to hear him crying and have to be patient sometimes when mama or dada have to help Jacob. But you’re doing a really great job at being a big brother and we’re very proud of you. I know it’s hard, but it will get better.”
And in response he repeated “it’s hard, but it will get better” while I tried to not sob in front of him like the hormonal mama that I am!
You can also seize the opportunity to talk about how they may be feeling and help to put their feelings into simple and understandable words.
“All feelings are valid. Get down to their level and listen to them. Thank them for sharing.”
— Nat of @natlefebvre20
7) Routine
Try to maintain some semblance of your child’s routine whenever possible. Meals at the usual time, bedtime as normal. If your toddler attended daycare, make sure they keep doing so. Yes, they may experience some separation anxiety all of a sudden, but try to encourage them to stick to their regular routine as much as possible. Doing so will help them to maintain some semblance of normalcy.
Try to maintain your child’s routine whenever possible. Doing so will help them to maintain some semblance of normalcy.
My son and I would often walk to a nearby park or meet his fellow tots at the jungle gym to play. When possible, I pump milk for my newborn and hand him off to dad so we can have some one-on-one time just as we did before the arrival of his brother. This honestly makes things a little easier for both of us, as juggling two kids is new for this mama as well!
Lucas is used to visiting his grandparents regularly (which helps us out with childcare). We kept up with these visits after the arrival of baby. Although he did experience some separation anxiety that he didn’t previously exhibit, we stuck to the plan knowing that keeping up this routine is important for his overall adjustment and development. We would arrive to pick him up, just as we always did before, but with his little brother in tow.
Instead of uprooting your toddler from their routine, try to incorporate your newborn into it whenever possible. Routine is the be-all and end-all to a child, so whenever possible make sure to keep things normal and stick to the usual programming for a smoother adjustment to sibling life.
- “Explain turns! ‘It’s baby’s turn, he needs me right now. Okay, now it’s your turn!’
- Upping the toy rotation so there are more frequently new and exciting independent play options.
- Making an effort to still have your toddler feel like your baby, for example rocking in their towel after bathtime.
- Divide and conquer, even if you’re all in the same room together.
– Jesse and Miriam of @allthingslotteandluke
And I swear to you, whether it takes a few days, a week, or a few months for your older kiddo to adjust, they will, and they will come to love sibling life! A day will come where they won’t even remember not having their sibling around and that will become their new normal, but until then, there’s always wine (lots of wine).
If you have any additional advice to share about helping your child to adjust to big sibling life, be sure to share in the comments below. Thank you to everyone who offered their input and advice via my Instagram to be included in this post!
Anna
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